Nothing Can Stop The Steady March of Certain Doom.
Did you feel that? The clock struck midnight of Hallows Eve and something changed. It might be hard to notice at first. Small things will start happening, maybe a single carton of eggnog will appear in the milk cooler, but the big changes aren’t far behind. Themed drinks at Starbucks, gaudy decorations in department stores, those craft beer advent calendars will start appearing in the beer stores. Yep, that season has come already.
It’s not any of our faults really. It’s the absence of a marketable November holiday that has done this to us. The only thing stopping corporations from shoving Santa Claus down our throat in October is that the green and red ribbons would clash with the orange and purple Halloween decorations. Without that spooky sentinel bravely guarding the tenth month who knows how far back Saint Nick’s infection would spread.
I personally don’t consider the holiday begun until I hear Felice Navidad on the radio without looking for it. It comes down to the wire every time but I cant fathom pretending to enjoy Christmas music for more than a few days. Don’t lie to yourself. If it's so good, why do we only listen to it around at this time of year? How do I keep my sanity and avoid getting sucked into the vortex of forced smiles and ugly sweaters you ask? Two simple rules. Sort out presents ahead of time and avoid the hell hive of jolly spirt that is the modern strip mall at ALL COSTS.
It might seem hard but I’m here to tell you there’s hope. You might not be ready but I’ve trained for this. Send me in your stead. Order a Brewquet and skip the Holiday shit storm.
I believe in you and love you very much.