A Dumb List of New Year Resolutions or Something

“This year I’m going to finally get in shape. This is the year” stated Eric. “It’s my new years resolution.” He said the last part like it was a magic combination of words that would somehow make it happen. Not 'Go to the gym four days a week’ or ‘Do some research on nutrition and try to eat healthier’. No, just ’Get into shape’ It was so general and uninspired that it was like he had already given up. Did he actually want to get into shape? Or did he just feel obligated to come up with something, anything to say that he was going to try and change in the New Year.

New Years Resolutions, what a, inane concept that is. The idea that New Years in general is a celebrated holiday at all is unbelievable to me. What are we celebrating? The arbitrary day chosen completely at random to write 2019 instead of 2018 for the next rotation around the sun. It’s crazy. And crazier still, this idea that somehow this next rotation around the sun will be soooo profoundly different that you’ll be able to completely change some aspect of your life, at random just through sheer willpower. If Eric had the will-power to get into shape he would have done it by now. The registration date on his soon to be neglected gym membership isn’t going to change anything.

So to you dear reader I offer an alternative. If you absolutely must make a new year resolution do something that you can accomplish. Pick something that you already do but could easily focus on more. Stop doing something you hate just because society tells you it’s good. Pick something that could be done impulsively but irreversibly. You know what, I'll make it easy. Here’s a list of things. Just pick one of these.

  1. Quit your job. It sucks. You hate it. I hate it. You’ll survive for a few weeks while you look for something else. It doesn’t even have to be something better just find something else. You might be surprised by what you end up liking.
  2. Book a plane ticket, one-way. Easy to do impulsively, difficult to back out of. Go somewhere hot and learn to surf. Bring a bike and ride your way home. Meet a weird friend. Eat a weird thing. This resolution works best if you also do number one.
  3. Make an Enemy. Everyone is trying to make friends with everybody. always concerned about who you’re irritating, not stepping on toes, not hurting any feelings. It’s exhausting. Make one enemy this year. One person to openly dislike. It’s healthy.
  4. Watch more TV. Have you seen TV lately? It is so GAWD DAMN GOOD. We are straight up living through a historical moment in entertainment. Future generations will look back on this and wish that they could have been around to be a part of the golden age of television. You could live their dream and instead you’re reading a book? What a waste.
  5. Buy Someone a Brewquet. I need to tie this rant to Brewquet somehow. Maybe buy it for your new enemy to thank them for all the confrontation they provided in your fabulous new year.


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